Friday Funny

[gene]

There's not one damn thing funny today. Not one!

gene

[SteveA]

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me .. it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her -

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her clothes and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, the entire future family were standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep the protection in your glove compartment

[MinUph]

Lmao. That was a good one.

[gene]

"Always keep your protection in the glove compartment"

So why did he go out to his car to get his gun? I'm confused?!?

gene

[MinUph]

"Always keep your protection in the glove compartment"

So why did he go out to his car to get his gun? I'm confused?!?

gene

Yes you are LOL.

[SteveA]

OLD people have problems that you haven't
> even considered yet!
> An 85-year-old man was told by the
> Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
> The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar
> home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
> The next day the 85-year-old man
> reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
> which was as clean and empty as on the  previous
> day.
> The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
> 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my
> right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried with my left
> hand, but still nothing.
> 'Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her
> right hand, then with her left, still nothing.  She
> tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her
> teeth out, still nothing.
> 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she
> tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she
> even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still
> nothing.'
> The doctor was shocked!
> 'You asked your neighbor?'   
> The old man replied,
> 'Yep, none of us could get the jar
> open.'

[65Buick]

Lol
Have a great weekend everyone. It's actually feeling like spring across most of the US now.

[Darren Henry]

Must be nice. Winter won't quit up here.Minus 10 * C at the moment and only looking for +3 this afternoon.We should be 10-12 this time of year and that 1/2 " of snow Wed. night was just un called for!!The lawn is suppost to be turning from brown to green===not back to white.

Water freezes at 0*C or 32 * F BTW

[baileyuph]

Usually don't ..........but will today:

Old people shouldn't eat healthy foods - they need all the preservatives they can get.

One more........

The bald headed man said when he received a comb for his birthday:  "Thanks I will never
part with it. "

Have a good day everyone!

Doyle

[gene]

> Yep, none of us could get the jar open

I bought some fabric from a store online and they included in the package a round rubber pad that is used to open jars. It had their company name and info printed on it. I wonder if they new I was old and might someday be asked by a doctor for a sperm sample?

gene

[kodydog]

Funniest Craigslist Ads

MY girlfriend does not like my Beagle Molly. So I have to rehome her.

She is a purebred from and comes from a wealthy area.

She likes to play games and is not totally trained.

She's high maintenance, especially her nails, but she loves to have them done.

She stays up all night yapping and sleeps all day.

She eats only the most expensive food, WILL NEVER greet you at the door after a hard days work or give you unconditional love.

She does not bite but can be mean as hell.

So... anyone interested in my 30 year old selfish, wicked, gold digging girlfriend come and get her. Me and Molly need her removed ASAP.

[kodydog]

> Yep, none of us could get the jar open

I bought some fabric from a store online and they included in the package a round rubber pad that is used to open jars. It had their company name and info printed on it. I wonder if they new I was old and might someday be asked by a doctor for a sperm sample?

gene

Your next order will be supplied with a jar.

[SteveA]

50 Shades of Grey for Seniors


Back and forth. . . in and out. . . in and out . . . a little to the right. . .a little to the left . . . she could feel the sweat on her forehead. . . between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. . . she was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy. . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. . . forwards then backwards. . forward then backward again. . . and again. . . her heart was pounding now. . . her face was flushed. . . she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder. . . finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream. . .

"OK, OK, you smug bastard! I can't parallel park. You do it!"

[gene]

Australian irreverence. A joke told by the former PM.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMa0j5A3nWw

gene

[SteveA]

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND 'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes!