Topics

Mojo:
    Did you ever hear back from the company what caused your problem with that awning fabric a couple of months ago?

                                                                              BigJohn

We plan to travel 3 1/2 hours to spend Christmas eve with my Brother and his family and we plan to stop at my Wife's sisters house to visit for a time also and she also would like to go to Christmas eve mass, and, and, and. I'm beginning to melt down, It's occurred to me that it might be more enjoyable to stay at home in the house watching TV & videos and not come out till the Holiday is over! I'm sorry to say but I'm feeling a bit like Bah Humbug!
                                                                   Big John

Subject:  The light turned yellow



 

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.



The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.



As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..



He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.



After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.



He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

Has anyone seen a source for a tabletop with a left hand return like "TheJoe" shows in his recent post "New To upholstery" ?

Damn women drivers!
Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are........

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over
to my left and there was a

Woman

In a brand new Cadillac

Doing 65 mph

With her face up next to her rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away
For a couple seconds...

to continue shaving

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;

I dropped

My electric shaver

Which knocked

The donut Out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying
To straighten out the car

Using my knees against
The steering wheel,

It knocked

My Cell Phone
Away from my ear

Which fell

Into the coffee

Between my legs!

Splashed,

And burned

Big Peter and the Twins,

Ruined the damn phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!

Chris last posted on the 17th and today is the 26th, 9 days that worry's me. Has anyone heard from him?

                                                           Big John

Does this status make me any smarter? Chris be nice now.
                         Big John

Several times I've received an email that includes an illustration and when I do a copy and paste the email to pass it on as a post the illustration doesn't come thru. How would I go about adding the illustration?

                                                   Big Dumb John

Recently I recall a post inquiring about use of sewing guides and today I received information about a magnetic version, just thought I'd pass it along for whatever it's worth.

http://www.sailrite.com/Deluxe-5-1-2-Magnetic-Sewing-Guide

                                       Big John

[HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT]

        HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

        The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
        The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

        Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
        Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
        One student, however, wrote the following:
        First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
        Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
        This gives two possibilities:
        1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
        2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
        So which is it?
        If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

        THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Saturday night at about 6:30 we had a hail storm in the resort where we keep our Park model mobile home that we use as a summer cottage. Jagged ping pong ball sized hail ripped small holes in a lot of the trailers awnings and everyone is busy today ordering new ones!

Bill staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy Sven. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife Lena. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the ...bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Bill sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a band-aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty band-aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning,

Bill woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Bill?"
Bill said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly...it's all those band-aids stuck on the hall mirror."

I'm in Wausau, WI. and I need a tune up on my 1245 Pfaff, the closest place I've found is Milwaukee 3 1/2 to 4 hours away does anyone have a suggestion?

A cannibal was walking through the jungle
And came upon a restaurant operated by a
Fellow cannibal.


Feeling somewhat hungry, he  sat  down and looked over the menu....

Tourist.......................................... $5.00

  Broiled  Missionary:.............................................   $10.00

Fried Explorer:..............................................................  $15.00

Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican:................................... $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"


The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of s**t, it takes all  morning."

I'm looking for a used or less expensive knock off of a knee lift kit for a 1245 Pfaff, anyone have one or know of a source? The Pfaff factory part number for the kit is 91-68 375-70/893.  Maybe I'll be proven wrong but I assume the the genuine factory part will be quite high priced, and not worth it. Thanks in advance.
                                                     Big John

Somehow the bar that the outer foot attaches to on my Pfaff 1245 got twisted out of alignment and Bob over the phone instructed me how to find the proper screws to loosen and how to realign the bar! I can't begin to tell you how many times Bob has patiently helped repair one of my screw ups, THANKS BOB!
                                                   Big John

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

What ever happened to that 95' boat restoration project you got yourself involved in?

In the spring the lower level of my raised ranch gets a little musty and I run a dehumidifier to keep the problem in check. To once and for all kill any mold/mildew spores I would like to purchase a ozone generator. Does anyone have a source for new or used?
                                                   Big John

MEN  DO  REMEMBER!!

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of cocoa in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
 
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his hot cocoa.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.
"WHY are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his cocoa: "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16." he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is SO caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words were NOT coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued: "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter OR I will send you to PRISON for 20 years?'"
"I remember that, too," she replied softly.

  He wiped another tear from his cheek and said:
"I would have gotten OUT today."