End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)

[65Buick]

Heck I'm just about to turn 38 and it wasn't long ago I did the same exact thing

[kodydog]

A Day Early

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started..

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

[SteveA]

Gene this is for you :)


After his exam, the doctor said to the crafty upholsterer , "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the journeyman upholsterer. "After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after we make love the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining his lovely wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The wife replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her, "Your husband had an unusual  concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after making love with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old stitcher  ..." she replied.
"That's because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!"

[kodydog]

Completely corny jokes.

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

PUMPKIN PI


What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?

BYE-SON!


Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm. Says to the bartender: "I'll take a beer, and one for the road."


Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Because he felt crummy.

[SteveA]

The Millennials are now traveling unsupervised!
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.  I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach.  It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We ass/u/me/d it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy.  We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to siesta in the afternoons.  I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water.  The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort.  Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun"
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England.  It took the Americans only three hours to get home.  This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.'  We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish.  No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito.  The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed.  We now hold you all responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant.  This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
BEWARE ...THEY WALK AMONG US and...THEY VOTE!

[MinUph]

I know it is scary to think these people will run things some day.

[gene]

I'm glad I won't be around when they are running things.


A person who speaks more than 2 languages is called a polyglot.

A person who speaks 2 languages is called bi lingual.

A person who speaks only 1 language is called an American.

[sofadoc]

3 bulls heard that a new bull was coming to the ranch.

The first bull said "I've been here 10 years, and I have 100 cows to service. I'm not giving up any of my cows to the new guy".
The second bull said "Well, I only have 50 cows. So I'm not giving up any of mine either"
The third bull said "I haven't been here as long as you guys. I only have 10 cows. I'm keeping them".

Then the truck pulled up. The ramp went down. And out came the most massive bull any of them had ever seen. Weighing 4700 lbs, the ramp cringed under him.

The first bull said "Well, I guess I could spare a few of my cows".
"Me too" said the second bull.

The third bull stood there snorting and driving his horns into the ground.

"Don't be a hero" said the first bull. "It's not worth it. Just give him some of your cows."

The third bull continued snorting. "Are you kidding? He can have ALL of my cows. I'm just trying to make sure that he knows I'm a bull" 

[SteveA]

Ouch Doc -



       Only a Texas cowboy can make you feel like a Woman...

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

[SteveA]

Subject: Ah the joy of aging
ROMANCE

Barb was lying in bed one night. Larry was falling asleep but Barb was  in a
romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back
to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me... "

Mildly irritated, Larry reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, Larry threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked."To get my teeth!"
______________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.  She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
______________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now
don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just
can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
______________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be
careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________

SUPERSEX

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls
in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown
and say "Supersex." She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the
soup."
______________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major
crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself,  "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light
was red again. Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red
but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know
that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?

[kodydog]

Little old man and little old lady in a nursing home.

The little old lady walks up to the little old man sitting in his wheelchair and says, I bet I can guess how old you are.

Little old man grumbling says, I doubt it.

Little old lady, Can too. Pull down your zipper.

Old man, huh?

Old lady, you heard me, pull down your zipper.

Old man grumbling and reluctantly pulls down his zipper. And before he could do anything she reaches in there and feels around. After a minute or two she exclaims, your 83 years old.

Huh, what? How'd you do that?

Old lady, well you told me yesterday. 

[Mojo]

Did you hear the news ?

Dennis fell into his upholstery machine.

Not to worry.......He is fully recovered. :)

Mojo

[gene]

The doctors had to cut off the entire left side of his body.

Not to worry... he's all right now. :-)

[sofadoc]

Phyllis heard about a new store called "The Man Store", where women could go to shop for a man.

It was a 6 floor department store. As she entered the first floor, there was a sign explaining the shopping rules.

THE QUALITY OF THE MEN INCREASES WITH EACH FLOOR.
IF YOU PROCEED TO THE NEXT FLOOR, YOU CAN'T GO BACK.

The first floor had a sign that said "All these men have jobs, and love the Lord". She browsed the selection, but decided to move on to the second floor.

The second floor said "All these men have jobs, love the Lord........and also love kids". She was impressed, but wanted to see what the third floor had to offer.

The third floor said "All these men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids........and are incredibly good looking". Now she was really curious to see the next floor.

The fourth floor said "All these men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, good looking.....and also love to do housework". Of course, she just had to see the next floor.

The fifth floor said "All these men have all the qualities of the previous floors.......PLUS.....they are great at making love". Sensing that the true man of her dreams was just a floor away, she moved on to the final floor.

The sign at the entrance to the sixth floor said "There are no men on this floor. This floor only exists to prove that no man can truly satisfy a woman".

[SteveA]

man it's bash doc week.  Now that we have heard he's reverent and will turn the other cheek ....... but it doesn't mean he won't hit back and he has a good right hand.
I'm not going to mess with the guy like you folks are - Dennis will get even. 
Well maybe I can take one small jab at him because you folks antagonized me - really Dennis it's not my fault  - These are for you - all quotes from your threads in the last  10 years


I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
These days, "on time" is when I get there.
Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.

SA