End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)

[SteveA]

To err is human, to forgive is against company policy....
 
   Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to urinate.

 Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

 Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always
Move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
 Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 Law of bio mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. Not only at hockey games, anywhere there are seats in a row!

 The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

 Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[SteveA]

An aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner. The term is often applied to philosophical, moral and literary principles.

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone?  That's your common sense leaving your body.

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

♦ I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

♦ Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Now, don't you feel better knowing what an aphorism is?

[gene]

Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

A few years ago some black men who worked for the secret service sued a Denny's in South Carolina, if I remember correctly. A local DJ said they would lose the law suit because everyone gets bad service at Denny's.
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I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

A lady said she saw a guy with Chinese characters tattoo on his arm. She asked him what it said. He said "I don't know". She took a picture of it and showed it to a Chinese friend and asked the friend what it said. The Chinese friend said it says "I don't know."
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Money can't buy happiness, but you can pull your yacht up long side of it.
Money can't buy happiness, but it does give you more places to go and look for it.

gene

[SteveA]

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman,   "Which book has helped you most in your life?"   The woman replied, "My husband's cheque book!!"****
A prospective husband in a book store   asks,   "Do you have a book  called 'Husband, the Master of the House?'" Sales girl: Fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!"   ****
Someone asked an old man: "Even after 70 years, you still call  your wife - darling, honey, luv.  What's the secret?" Old man: "I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her."****
Pharmacist to customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an  anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription.      Simply showing marriage certificate and wife's picture is not   enough!****
A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the  best woman ever.The very next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.*****
There are 3 kinds of men in this world.....Some remain single   and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see  wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what happened!   ******
Wives are magicians They can change anything into an argument.******
Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men? A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!" ******
COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!!! ******
When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.******
A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?" The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's  awake!

[SteveA]

Thinking he was being comical, a man joked about his wife being a little overweight by saying, "We should wash your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe that would take a few inches off your butt!"

Since it was close to bedtime, she didn't want to start an argument, so just ignored it and went to sleep.

Next morning the husband pulled out a pair of clean underwear covered in powder. He said, "What's this stuff on my shorts?"

The wife replied, "It's called MIRACLE GROW!"

TALK ABOUT REVENGE BEING SWEET!

[sofadoc]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy! Mommy! I was the only kid in my class who could count all the way to 10. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10......see?"

The mother said "That's nice dear". The girl asked "Why am I so smart? Is it because I'm blonde?"
The mom replied "Yes dear. It's because you're blonde".

The next day, the girl came running in yelling "Mommy! Mommy! I was the only one who could say my ABC's all the way up to G. Listen, A B C D E F G........see?"
"That's nice dear" said the mom. "Am I so smart because I'm blonde?" asked the girl.
"Yes honey" replied her mother.

The 3rd day, the girl ran in even more excited. "Mommy! Mommy! We had gym class today. When I took my top off, my boobs were WAY bigger than all the other girls. Why are my boobs so big? Is it because I'm blonde?"

"No" said the mother. "It's because you're 24 years old".

[SteveA]

*AGREEMENT BEFORE SEX!*

*Due to the current and often false allegations made by parties, which include , Harassment, Blackmail etc. there is now an agreement to be signed before "action".*

AGREEMENT BEFORE SEX

I, ___________________, the undersigned female partner (herein referred to as the 'Lady'), am about to enjoy sexual intercourse with _________________ (hereafter referred to as the 'Gentleman'), certify the following:

1. THAT I am above the lawful age of consent.

2. THAT I am not under the influence of liquor or any narcotic.

3. THAT the afore mentioned Gentleman did not use any force, threats, coercion or promises to influence me.

4. THAT I, the Lady, am in no fear of him whatsoever.

5. THAT I do not expect or wish to marry him.

6. THAT I do not know if he is married or not and neither do I care.

7. THAT I am neither asleep nor drunk.

8. THAT I am entering this relationship with him; because I love and want to as much as he does.

9. THAT in the event that I receive full satisfaction, which I expect, I declare in advance the capacity and willingness for further participation at regular intervals.

10. THAT I will not act as a witness against him nor will I file charges against him in the event that,
  (a) I contract an STD
  (b) I become pregnant
  (c) I feel that he is violating any legislation - moral, legal or otherwise.

SIGNED BEFORE JUMPING INTO BED ON THIS ___ DAY OF _____ (MONTH) ________ (YEAR) AT ______ (AM/PM)

_______________________
(Signature of Lady ) 

-------------------------------------
(Signature of Gentleman)

[SteveA]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[sofadoc]

Tom decided to get a face lift so he would look younger.

When he left the hospital, he stopped in at a convenience store to buy a cup of coffee.

He asked the cashier "How old do I look?" The cashier looked him over and said "I'd say about 35".
Beaming with pride, Tom told the cashier that he was actually 47.

Later, he went to Mcdonald's for lunch. Again, he asked the cashier how old she thought he was.
She replied "Oh, I'd say you're 29". Tom smiled, and said "Actually, I'm 47".

On his way home, he spotted an old lady at the bus stop. So he asked her the same question.
The lady said "Honey, I'm 87 and my vision is very poor. But if you let me feel your balls for 10 minutes, I'm sure that I can guess your age".

Since no one was around, Tom agreed. The old lady ran her hand down Tom's pants and felt of his balls. After 10 minutes, she said "You're 47".

Astonished, Tom said "Wow! That's exactly right. How did you know?"

The old lady said "I was in line behind you at Mcdonald's".

[sofadoc]

Kyle told his father "Dad! I found the right girl. I'm in love!"

The dad said "That's great son! Who is it?"
Kyle said "It's Lisa, the girl next door".

The dad said "Oh, son. I wish you hadn't told me that. You can't be in love with Lisa. Don't tell your mom this, but Lisa is your sister". Kyle was devastated, but promised not to tell mom.

A few days later Kyle told his dad "I'm in love again! It's Angela, who lives on the end of the block!"
Dad said "Son, I'm sorry. But Angela is also your sister".

Kyle was furious. Immediately he ran and told his mom what dad had done. His mom said "Honey, you can date whoever you want. Lisa and Angela aren't your sisters. Because dad isn't your father.

[SteveA]

I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old person receiving it. Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.
•   Old People are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem. Old People remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
•   Old People remember World War II, Pearl Harbor , Guadalcanal , Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam .
•   If you bump into an Old People on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Person on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old People trust strangers and are courtly to women.
•   Old People hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
•   Old People get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.
•   Old People have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.
•   It's the Old People who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old People with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.

We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old People
Pass this on to all of the "Old People" you know.
I was taught to respect my elders. It's just getting harder to find them.

[kodydog]

Amen brother Steve, amen. Some young'uns still treat "old people" with respect. Usually they are raised in a family with both a father and a mother. Often raised in a Christion family. They are encouraged to always do better. Stay in school, taught good work ethics, given strict allowance on the internet. Encouraged to participate in sports, scouts, band and maybe even theater. Perhaps even encouraged into the military. Citizenship and patronage are not foreign to them. Leadership skills are important, but of course not every child develops skills in the same way.

Most important, they are encouraged to ask grandpa and grandma what it was like... way back when.   

[sofadoc]

Big brother is 4 years old. Little brother is half his age. How old will little brother be when big brother is 100?

A doctor gives you 3 pills, and instructs you to take 1 every half hour. How long will it take you to consume all 3?

You have 2 items totaling $11. One item is $10 more than the other item. How much does each item cost?

You are sent to a well to fetch EXACTLY 4 gallons of water. All you have is a 5 gallon bucket and a 3 gallon bucket. How do you do it? No estimating allowed. Must be 4 gallons exactly.

You come to a river. You are carrying a fox, a chicken, and a bag of chicken feed. You can only carry one at a time as you swim across the river. You can't leave the fox alone with the chicken because he'll eat it. Likewise, you can't leave the chicken alone with the chicken feed. How do you do it?

[kodydog]

There may be a simpler method but here is what I came up with

Fill the five gallon bucket. Pour 3 gallons into the 3 gallon bucket. Empty the 3 gallon bucket. This leaves two gallons in the 5 gallon bucket. Mark the two gallon point on the inside of the five gallon bucket. Empty the 2 gallons into the 3 gallon bucket. Fill the 5 gallon bucket to the 2 gallon mark. Pour the 2 gallons from the three gallon bucket into the five gallon bucket to make 4 gallons. 

[sofadoc]

Here's a way to do it with no marking required.

Fill the 3 gallon bucket.
Transfer all 3 galons into the 5 gallon bucket.
Fill the 3 gallon bucket again.
Pour the 3 gallon bucket into the 5 gallon bucket until it is full. You will now have exactly 1 gallon remaining in the 3 gallon bucket.
Empty the 5 galon bucket.
Pour the 1 gallon from the 3 gallon bucket into the 5 gallon bucket.
Fill the 3 gallon  bucket and transfer it into the 5 gallon bucket that currently contains1 gallon.