Friday Funny

[byhammerandhand]

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English?"

Lee responded, "Yes Ma'am, I do."

The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work?"

Lee said, "Well, the woman in this house lets me sleep with her."

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

[SteveA]

A California Love Story
A man was lying down with his new girl friend - She spent a lot of time touching him - he asked why do you like touching them so much - she said because I really miss mine !

[SteveA]

   

·      I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

·       Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

·      I'm great at multi-tasking--I  can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

·      If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

·      Take my advice; I'm not using it.

·      My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

·      Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

·      Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

·      Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

·      Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

·      He who laughs last thinks slowest.

·      Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

·      Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

·      I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

·      Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

·      I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

·      If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

·      Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

·      If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

·      Money is the root of all wealth.

·      No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

[gene]

Fines are when you pay the government money for doing something wrong.

Taxes are when you pay the government money for doing something right.

[SteveA]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.


As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

[byhammerandhand]

I always wondered what "the small of a woman's back was."   Then someone explained it's right above the large of a woman's back.

[byhammerandhand]

The last week at church, the pastor reminded us to adjust for daylight saving time,  "For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that next Saturday is the night you set your clock back 45 minutes."

[SteveA]

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives during this political campaign, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Bayley's, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Waliuminun scriptins, an a bxo a choclutz. Yuz haz kno idr how fablus I feeeel rite now.

Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum

[sofadoc]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on a plane.

The priest asks "Is it true that you guys never eat any pork?"
The rabbi replies "Yes, that is true".

"Have you ever eaten any pork?" the priest inquires.
"Just once" says the rabbi. "I gave in to temptation, and ate a ham sandwich".

Then the rabbi asks the priest "Is it true that you guys must remain celibate?"
"Yes" says the priest. "But I must admit that I did give in to temptation once in my life".

The rabbi mutters to himself "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich". 

[gene]

While writing the book of Revelation:

John: "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"

God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."

John: "Yeah, trumpets."

God: "Never mind. They'll know."

:)

gene

[SteveA]

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing, so she called him on the mobile.


The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."


He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up...


"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.


"Well I'm in the gun shop next door to that."

[gene]

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up...

This is because she remembered thinking 10 years ago that if this guy can't afford a cheap zirconium necklace he's probably not going to amount to much and if she had only followed her heart and dumped his a$$ back then, she might be with some guy today who could afford a real diamond necklace.

Or maybe her tears were from a severe case of conjunctivitis and she was choking on a baloney sandwich she was trying to scarf down in between trying on dresses.

It's possible. I saw 12 Angry Men with Henry Fonda.

gene

[SteveA]

It's possible ? - I don't always follow your metaphors but remember reading 1 out of every 5 people suffer from some form of writer's anguish - and what's wrong with zirconium ? 
SA

[kodydog]

Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and notices a big jar full of money behind the counter. He asks the bartender, "Hey man, what's that jar? I bet there's at least one grand in there!"

"Ah, you must be new here. It's a challenge. If you put in fifty bucks, and then succeed at three tasks, you get all the money inside the jar."

"Really? Man, what a tourist trap! Do people actually try that?"

"Sure."

"Damn. Still, that's a lot of money. I gotta ask, what are the three tasks?"

"Well, first, you need to go over to the bouncer over there. Yeah, the tall, muscular guy. And you gotta knock him out in one punch."

"Wow."

"Yeah. Next, in the backyard we have this wild rottweiler. Nasty dog. Rabid. And it has a bad tooth. We tried having the vet over, but he won't come anywhere near the beast. The task is to take out his bad tooth."

"Uh huh."

"And finally, there's this lady upstairs. She owns the place. She's quite old. Seventy, maybe seventy five. Very nice lady. She lost her husband a decade ago and, well ... she's lonely. The task is to go see her and give her some."

"That is heavy stuff, my friend. Wow. It's amazing that anyone thinks they can pull all this off. People these days... Anyway."

The guy drinks his beer, and then has another. And another. And another. Now quite inebriated, he punches the counter and yells, "Whatever man, I'll do your stupid challenge!"

He throws in a $50 bill, goes to the bouncer, taps him on the shoulder, and WHAM! The bouncer is down in one punch. Everyone in the bar suddenly groups around the scene and starts cheering frantically. The guy shouts, "Where's the damn dog at?", people push him to the backdoor, which he pushes. The crowd awaits, hearing nothing at first. Then, muffled screams, punches, scratches and howls coming from behind the door.

Finally, the door opens again, and the guy paces into the bar, slowly, his shirt ripped apart and stained with blood, breathing loudly. Finally, he throws his arms up in the air, and shouts in triumph! As the crowd cheers like crazy, he yells "NOW WHERE'S THE OLD BITCH WITH THE BAD TOOTH?"

[byhammerandhand]

Yeah, heard a similar story about an Eskimo woman and a polar bear.    I'll let y'all fill in the details.  (can I say y'all being north of the Ohio River?)