Another weekend knee slapper

[sofadoc]

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a very attractive lady.
She notices that he keeps staring at his watch every few seconds.

Finally, she asks "Did your date stand you up?"
"Oh no" he replied. "This is a new state-of-the-art watch, and I'm just testing it".

"What's so state of the art about it?" she asked.
"Well, you see.......it scans the surroundings, and telepathically reports it's findings to me".

"Oh yeah?" She said. "So what did it tell you about me?"
"Well, according to my new state of the art high tech watch, you aren't wearing any panties".

The woman laughed and said "Well I'm afraid your watch is broken. Because I am definitely wearing panties".

"Damn!" the man exclaimed. "It's an hour fast!".

[SteveA]

A 4 year-old's first paycheck
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl & some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.
One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the- rough," more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, & gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 10 dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed & asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those a-holes at Home Depot ever deliver the F-in  drywall.

[sofadoc]

Steve, try to stay on topic. This thread was meant for knee slappers only.

That was a DOUBLE knee slapper.

[Virgs Sew n Sew]

Steve, that was outrageously funny!  I read it to Bob and he agreed with my assessment of it.  Also, I needed something to give me a good laugh!

Virginia

[Darren Henry]

Too funny Steve. My great nieces are 3 and 6-ish. The only thing my Dad liked better than a joke like that was children---partially because they do stuff like that LOL. I'll have to send that on to my sister (their, Nan).

[gene]

And so the teller takes the little girls' 10 dollars.

He then informs the little girl that she must pay 15.3% self employment tax. She must pay federal, state, and local taxes.

He then informs her that there is a $15.00 fee for opening a savings account, and a $5.00 monthly maintenance  fee for all savings accounts with a balance under $150.00.

"Oh my goodness gracious", said the teller, "you owe the bank $3.66".

Welcome to the real world, kiddo.

gene

[sofadoc]

A man walks into a bank.
The teller says "May I help you?"

"Yes, I want to open a f---ing checking account!"

"Excuse me?" said the teller.

"You heard me bitch........I want to open a f---ing g--damn account!"

The teller immediately went and got her supervisor. He came over to the counter and asked sternly "Is there a problem here?"

The man said calmly "No problem. I just won 200 million dollars in the lottery, and I wanted to open a f---ing checking account."

The supervisor replied "And THIS BITCH is giving you a hard time?"

[SteveA]

"I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES






English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Italian
Ti Amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar Dig

Lithuanian
As Tave Meliu

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia.
Get in the Truck.

[kodydog]

He then informs the little girl that she must pay 15.3% self employment tax. She must pay federal, state, and local taxes.
gene

I was thinking more the child welfare office closed down the whole construction site because of child labor laws. Cynicism sure can ruin a good joke.

[Rich]

You're all in the wrong business! with minds like that you should've been comedians. :)
Rich

[Mike]

so 3  nuns passes away an are  met by st peter at the pearly gates.
he says there a new test to get in awnser a simple question anf if your  a  good christian the gates open. ok so he askes the first nun
who was the first man on earth?  simple she says that would be adam
trumpets sound (tuu tuu tu tuuuuu) and the gates open.

he askes the second nun wo was the first woman on earth?  she awnsered who that would be eve trumpets (tuu tuu tu tuuuuu)  and the gates open.

he asked the 3rd nun what was the first thing eve said to adam?  she said "oh that's a hard one"  trumpets (TUU TUU TU TUUUUUU) AND THE GATES OPEN

[Darren Henry]

Two nuns get accosted by a couple of thugs on their way through the park one night. After a few minutes the first nun starts praying "...forgive him father, for he knows not what he does" . There comes a giggle from the other side of the bush and the second nun brags " Mine does!!!"