There's not one damn thing funny today. Not one!
gene
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me .. it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her -
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her clothes and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, the entire future family were standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep the protection in your glove compartment
Lmao. That was a good one.
"Always keep your protection in the glove compartment"
So why did he go out to his car to get his gun? I'm confused?!?
gene
Quote from: gene on April 06, 2018, 06:43:46 pm
"Always keep your protection in the glove compartment"
So why did he go out to his car to get his gun? I'm confused?!?
gene
Yes you are LOL.
OLD people have problems that you haven't
> even considered yet!
> An 85-year-old man was told by the
> Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
> The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar
> home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
> The next day the 85-year-old man
> reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
> which was as clean and empty as on the previous
> day.
> The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
> 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my
> right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left
> hand, but still nothing.
> 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her
> right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She
> tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her
> teeth out, still nothing.
> 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she
> tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she
> even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still
> nothing.'
> The doctor was shocked!
> 'You asked your neighbor?'
> The old man replied,
> 'Yep, none of us could get the jar
> open.'
Lol
Have a great weekend everyone. It's actually feeling like spring across most of the US now.
Must be nice. Winter won't quit up here.Minus 10 * C at the moment and only looking for +3 this afternoon.We should be 10-12 this time of year and that 1/2 " of snow Wed. night was just un called for!!The lawn is suppost to be turning from brown to green===not back to white.
Water freezes at 0*C or 32 * F BTW
Usually don't ..........but will today:
Old people shouldn't eat healthy foods - they need all the preservatives they can get.
One more........
The bald headed man said when he received a comb for his birthday: "Thanks I will never
part with it. "
Have a good day everyone!
Doyle
> Yep, none of us could get the jar open
I bought some fabric from a store online and they included in the package a round rubber pad that is used to open jars. It had their company name and info printed on it. I wonder if they new I was old and might someday be asked by a doctor for a sperm sample?
gene
Funniest Craigslist Ads
MY girlfriend does not like my Beagle Molly. So I have to rehome her.
She is a purebred from and comes from a wealthy area.
She likes to play games and is not totally trained.
She's high maintenance, especially her nails, but she loves to have them done.
She stays up all night yapping and sleeps all day.
She eats only the most expensive food, WILL NEVER greet you at the door after a hard days work or give you unconditional love.
She does not bite but can be mean as hell.
So... anyone interested in my 30 year old selfish, wicked, gold digging girlfriend come and get her. Me and Molly need her removed ASAP.
Quote from: gene on April 14, 2018, 07:04:19 am
> Yep, none of us could get the jar open
I bought some fabric from a store online and they included in the package a round rubber pad that is used to open jars. It had their company name and info printed on it. I wonder if they new I was old and might someday be asked by a doctor for a sperm sample?
gene
Your next order will be supplied with a jar.
50 Shades of Grey for Seniors
Back and forth. . . in and out. . . in and out . . . a little to the right. . .a little to the left . . . she could feel the sweat on her forehead. . . between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. . . she was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy. . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. . . forwards then backwards. . forward then backward again. . . and again. . . her heart was pounding now. . . her face was flushed. . . she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder. . . finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream. . .
"OK, OK, you smug bastard! I can't parallel park. You do it!"
Australian irreverence. A joke told by the former PM.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMa0j5A3nWw
gene
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND 'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes!
Thanks for the laugh, you out did yourself Steve.
A Nottingham woman has lost her case at Nottingham magistrates court today after she tried to sue Queens Medical Center after her Husband went in for an operation which left him unable to have sex afterwards. Mrs. Mnger of Bulwell aged 67 said to reporters outside Court this afternoon " me and me 'usband Fred 'ave 'ad bangin sex till 'e went ta 'ospital and 'ad 'is operation. Now 'es not interested 'n me and it's all cause tem docs.
The surgeon who performed the operation and attended court to give testimony said, " all we did was remove Fred's Cataracts! "
Oh boy! Poor Fred
An Engineer dies... and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.
The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Mojo
True story:
A Wildlife Preservation Office was showing us an owl that had been injured and lived at the animal shelter. He said owls are the only natural predator to skunks. Most injured owls that they get stink like skunks. He said owls catch most of their prey from sound and not sight. Owls have great hearing and great vision. But when it comes to smell, owls don't give a hoot.
gene
COINCIDENCE
A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.
The woman said : "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."
"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, "It is a special day for me. I am celebrating"
"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.
"What a coincidence." said the farmer.
While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."
"What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
"This is awesome," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster," he said.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."