Mojo's Friday Funnies

[Mojo]

A U.S. Army Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided
to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it
was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his
state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of
making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing
it for them."

The room fell silent..

God Bless the enlisted man.

**************************************


One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.


He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum
of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and treehouse.


While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,

"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor
made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've
been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,


"You've built a Golf Course ?"

[Gregg @ Keystone Sewing]

LOL, the enlisted man was a good one. 

[gene]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to  spending the rest of me life,
between the  legs of me darlin' wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the  night!

He went home and told his wife,  Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the  night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what  was your toast?" John said, "Here's  to  spending the rest of me life, sitting in church  beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice  indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day,  Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on  the street corner.
The man chuckled  leeringly and said, "John won the prize the  other night at the pub with a toast about  you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me,  and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him  come."

[kodydog]

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scottish man were sitting at a bar drinking a pint.
The Irishman was about to lift his glass to his mouth when he spots a fly in his beer. He picks it out, blows off the suds and says, their you go little fellow now be off with you, and lets it fly away.
The Englishman spots a fly in his beer, picks it out and says, Thats quite enough, now its time for you to leave.
The Scott spot a fly in his beer, picks it up by his back legs, holds it over his glass, and screams, SPIT IT OUT YOU LITTLE BASTARD.