End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)

[SteveA]

I'm afraid if I start working out I'll be too sexy.

Jellyfish have survived 650 million years despite not having a brain - This gives so many people hope.

Frog Parking - All others will be Toad.

Growing your own tomatoes is the best way to devote 3 months of your life to saving $ 2.17.

I was visiting my Daughter last nite when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.  This is the 21st century she said we don't waste money on newspapers - here use my iPad.
I can tell you this - that fly never know what hit him.

Apart from being exhausted. financially unstable, nearing a mental breakdown and being fat, everything is great ! Thanks

Never laugh at your wife's choices - you're one of them.

Guys I need your help - I'm in the middle of an argument with my wife and she just told me I'm right - What the hell do I do now ?

Be Honest - if people heard what you are thinking half of the time you would either be in jail or a mental hospital.

A balanced diet is important - milk chocolate + dark chocolate

[SteveA]

The pilot and the priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?"
The guy replies, "I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Dallas .."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot,
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn.
"I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,
"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the good father.
"That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"

"Up here - we go by results," says Saint Peter.
"When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed. "

[sofadoc]

A police officer spots a man driving down the street with his car loaded with penguins.
The officer pulls him over and says "You need to take those penguins to the zoo". The man says that he will comply with the officer's order.

The next day, the policeman sees the same man driving through town with the same load of penguins.
He pulls him over again and says "I thought I told you yesterday to take those penguins to the zoo!"

The man replies "I did........and today I'm taking them to the movies".

[SteveA]

Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome.

One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding a Star of  David.

Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but put money only into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

One day, a  procession came past, and it included His Holiness The Pope.

He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of  David.

After a few minutes, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?  This is a Catholic country.

"This city is the Seat of Catholicism.  People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.  In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Bernie, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

[SteveA]

Newspaper Headlines - oldies !

Rangers get a whiff of Colon
Homicide victims rarely talk to police
Barbershop singers bring joy to school for the deaf
Bridges help people cross rivers
City unsure why sewer smells
17 remain dead in morgue shooting spree
Starvation can lead to health hazards
Man accuses of killing lawyer receives new attorney
Parents keep kids home to protest school closure
Hospitals resort to hiring doctors
Federal agents raid gun shop find weapons
Total lunar eclipse will be broadcast live on north woods public radio
Meeting on open meetings is closed
New sick policy requires 2 day notice
Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25
Bug flying around with wings are flying bugs
Study shows frequent sex enhances pregnancy chances
Marijuana issue sent to a joint committee
Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800 lb ball on his head

[SteveA]

How does Moses make tea?   Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again?   Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home.  Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'm sure I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.  The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.

[sofadoc]

The alarm went off at the prison where a midget inmate was trying to escape.
One of the guards said to his captain "Look! That midget is climbing down the outside of the fence"

The captain said "Well........that's a little con descending".

[Mojo]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

"You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent."

[SteveA]

I put my Glock Model 21SF, 45 cal automatic pistol with laser sight on the table, right next to my kitchen door. I left its clip beside it; then, left it alone and went about my business.
While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail; the next door neighbor mowed the yard; a girl walked her dog down the street and quite a few cars stopped at the "stop" sign near the front of my house.
After about an hour, I checked on the gun; it was quietly sitting there, right where I had left it. It had not moved itself outside. It had not killed anyone. Certainly, even with the numerous opportunities it had presented to do that. In fact, it had not even loaded itself.
Well you can imagine my surprise, with all the hype by the left and their  media, about how dangerous guns are and "How They kill people". Either the media is wrong, or I'm in possession of the laziest gun in the world.
The United States is 3rd in murders throughout the world. But, if you take out just 5  cities: Chicago, Detroit, Washington DC, St Louis and New Orleans, the United States is 4th from the bottom, in the ENTIRE world, for murders.
These 5 cities are controlled by the left.
They also have the toughest gun control laws in the USA.
It would be absurd to draw any conclusions from this data, right?
Well, I'm off to check on my spoons. I hear they're making people fat!

[SteveA]

MALE HEALTH ALERT


Go outside and pee in the garden.
If ants gather:- diabetes.
If you pee on your feet:- prostate.
if it smells like a barbecue:- cholesterol.
if when you shake , your wrist hurts:- osteoarthritis.
if you return to your room with your gimp outside your pants:- Alzheimer

I know they are getting worse -

[SteveA]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you are history.

Here's your equipment ...    a chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful  body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts kissing her feet.  He continues to  kiss her for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there"!

[SteveA]

THE SUPER BOWL TICKET

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty 
 
  "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world,
 
And not use it?"     
 
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."
   
 
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?". 
 
The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

[sofadoc]

A man calls his wife at home. A strange woman answers.
He asks "Who IS this?"
The woman replies "This is the maid"

He says "We don't have a maid!"
The maid says "I was just hired this morning".
The man responds "I'd like to speak to my wife please!"
The maid says "She's upstairs in bed with a man that I assumed was her husband".

The husband is furious. He asks the maid "Would you like to make $50,00?"
"Sure" replied the maid. "What do I have to do?"
"Just go in my closet, get my gun, and shoot them both right between the eyes"

The man hears the maid put the phone down. He hears footsteps as she walks upstairs. Then he hears two gunshots. Then the maid picks up the phone.

"OK, it's done. What do you want me to do with the bodies?"
The man says "Dump them in the swimming pool"

The maid asks "What pool?"
The man replies "Oh uh-h-h-h..........Is this 741-395-1509?"

[SteveA]

Slow week - sorry - this is all I have !

There needs to be an investigation to find out if anyone in the Democratic Party has ties to America

OK let me understand this - Democrat's are justifying 3 billion dollars to boost the Ukraine gas industry that Biden's and Kerry's families benefit from while telling us that we must give up gas and go green.

The ex veep's Son made $ 50,000 a month working in the natural gas industry where he had zero experience and the current veep's Son makes $ 50,000 a year as a Marine fighter pilot after 2-1/2 years of extensive air/ground training.

If you get kicked out of the Navy for doing cocaine your next logical step forward would be making 4 million dollars as an executive at a Ukraine gas company.

The Democrat's are trying to impeach a President for trying to expose a crime and then elect the person who committed the crime.

[SteveA]

It snowed last night...

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from the media showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon it all melted

Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.