End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)

[SteveA]

Gene why do we have to wait until next Friday ??????





When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together..


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.


'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'


'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.   It's called marriage.'


'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

                                                                                                                                           
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....


You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

 
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'


First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'












 

[kodydog]

24 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Okay so back to furniture repair. I have asked myself this question many times. And I have noticed if you keep the lid pushed down it will not clog. Neat.

[gene]

>Gene why do we have to wait until next Friday ??????

SteveA, it must be nice not to have to work at it. Ba Da Boom! LOL

Gene

[SteveA]

Why does the glue stick to the neck and spout of the bottle and clog it up- I hate that - especially when i need to apply the glue ????
SA

[sofadoc]

I have noticed if you keep the lid pushed down it will not clog. Neat.

I always push the lid back down. But I swear somehow, every time I reach for the glue, that sumbitch is clogged. And it ALWAYS looks like the last guy that used it didn't push the lid down. I blame gremlins.

[SteveA]

Over the years I've driven myself crazy trying to invent a better mouse trap.  The glue bottles don't work.  I've also purchased the ones from rockler and woodworkers supply and just threw them away.  I've realized  two problems that are mostly out of control.  First when you're doing a glue up and time is precious to get the clamps on you might throw the bottle onto the work bench and it lays over on it's side. Glue puddles in the spout and thickens.   The second issue is that as the glue bottle goes from full to half full air causes the glue to be a little thicker defeating the mechanism in the tip. 
What I've been doing and seems to cause me less stress is as soon as I open up a new bottle - I cut the mechanism off completely.  I take the spout over to the 1 inch belt sander and sand off the lip and make the very tip into a conical shape.  Don't over do the sanding on the tip or make the edges too thin.  To cap the glue a cover from the epoxy bottle fits nicely or you can find the right size wire nut - drill out the insert and use that.  Now the tip is at least easy to clean because you can't defeat the clogged tip forever.
Keeping the bottle filled with glue also will help improve flow.
SA

[MinUph]

I pour my glue into a small glass jar and use brushes to spread with. The glue doesn't get too bad in here if it gets used in a reasonable amount of time. And it is just something I've always done. Glue squeeze bottles weren't always made. And they don't spread the glue evenly anyway.
  This doesn't really seem like a joke does it?

[SteveA]

Last non joke post   here - wait a minute - can't help myself
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One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
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Glass sounds like a good alternative - except for me - clumsy and always rushing the bottles usually hit the floor.  I think Florida temps keep the glue flowing - here in NY I don't heat the shop 24 hours - another glue issue
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Drink responsibly today - don't spill any !

SA

[SteveA]

Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around. As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you're 65. You may not realize it now, but everything will shift...
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants. 

  At age 12 success is having friends. 

At age 16 success is having a drivers license.   
     
At age 20 success is having sex.   
 
At age 35 success is having money.   

At age 60 success is having money
 
At age 70 success is having sex.   

At age 80 success is having a drivers license. 

At age 85 success is having friends. 
     
At age 90 success is not peeing in your pants. 

It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.

[sofadoc]

A woman asks her husband "Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?"
"No" said the husband.
She unbuttons her blouse, and pulls a crumpled $20 bill out of her lacy bra and gives it to him. He smiles.

Then she asks "Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?". Excitedly, the husband says no. So she lifts her skirt, and pulls a crumpled $50 bill out of her silk panties. By now, the husband is even more excited.

Then she asks "Have you ever seen $75,000 all crumpled up?"
"No! No!" replied the husband completely giddy with excitement.

"Well.........you better check the garage".

[kodydog]

Then she asks "Have you ever seen $75,000 all crumpled up?"
"No! No!" replied the husband completely giddy with excitement.
.

Nice way to tell the hubby she wrecked the Mercedes. Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I'll never have to worry about that.

[gene]

Then she asks "Have you ever seen $75,000 all crumpled up?"
"No! No!" replied the husband completely giddy with excitement.

I thought she was then going to shoot him and as his crumpled up dead body fell to the floor she would say something about his life insurance money.

gene

[gene]

Robin went down to the batcave to start the batmobile.
The batmobile would not start.
Robin called Batman on the batphone and told him the batmobile would not start.
Batman told Robin to check the battery.
Robin said, "What's a tery?"


A young couple had been dating for awhile and both were enjoying the process of getting to know each other. One evening over dinner they were sharing their hopes and dreams about life. One said to the other, "What do you think will happen when we die?" The other one said, "Well, I think there will be a police investigation and they will rule it a murder/suicide."

[SteveA]

How to get to Heaven from Ireland - A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE F---N' DEAD.'

It's a curious race, the Irish.  Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

[gene]

The best boss I ever had was Irish. His last name was Finn. Here's his favorite Irish joke.

A Frenchman, a German, and an Irishman go into a bar. The Frenchman orders a glass of wine. The German orders a beer. The Irishman orders a whiskey.

They bring  the Frenchman his glass of wine. As he goes to take a sip, he sees that there is a fly in his wine. He screamed for the waiter and demands that they take the glass away and bring him a clean glass of wine without a fly in it.

They next bring the German his stein of beer. As he goes to take a sip, he sees that there is also a fly in his beer. He tilted his glass and flicks the fly out of the beer with his finger and takes a big drink of beer.

They then bring the Irishman his glass of whiskey. As he goes to take a drink, he too had a fly in his whiskey. He very gently picks the fly up out of the whiskey by it's back wings, being sure not to hurt the fly. As he gets the fly a bit above his glass, he started to shake the fly and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"