End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)

[Darren Henry]

My initial reaction to the last question was "shore lunch". Eat the damned chicken and sell the feed. Problem solved!

But then I'd have to wait an hour to cross.

The new plan is to convince the fox to swim with me as I took the feed across and then come back for the chicken.

[sofadoc]

My initial reaction to the last question was "shore lunch". Eat the damned chicken and sell the feed. Problem solved!

But then I'd have to wait an hour to cross.

The new plan is to convince the fox to swim with me as I took the feed across and then come back for the chicken.

You swim across with the chicken first, place him on the other side, and swim back.

Then swim across with the fox. Put the fox down, pick up the chicken, and swim back.

Put the chicken down, pick up the chicken feed, and swim to the other side.

Put the chicken feed down on the other side with the fox, and swim back to fetch the chicken.

Of course, all of this is contingent on the fox or chicken not running away while left alone.

[gene]

Big brother is 4 years old. Little brother is half his age. How old will little brother be when big brother is 100?

* Based on average life expectencies, little brother is long dead when big brother is 100.

-----------------------------------------------------

A doctor gives you 3 pills, and instructs you to take 1 every half hour. How long will it take you to consume all 3?

* If taking 3 pills every half hour will make me feel better, then taking all 3 pills immediately would make me feel better even sooner. It takes me about 2 seconds to consume all 3 pills.

-------------------------------------------------------

You have 2 items totaling $11. One item is $10 more than the other item. How much does each item cost?

* In my state at 7% sales tax, a total of $11 means $10.28 for the 2 items and $.72 sales tax. Therefore, if one item is $10.00 more than the other item, then one item costs $10.14 and the other item costs $0.14.

-----------------------------------------------------------

You are sent to a well to fetch EXACTLY 4 gallons of water. All you have is a 5 gallon bucket and a 3 gallon bucket. How do you do it? No estimating allowed. Must be 4 gallons exactly.

* A gallon of water weighs 8.34 lbs, plus the weight of the two buckets. 4 gallons equals 33.4 lbs. plus the weight of the two buckets. I'm a furniture upholsterer and I need to be careful not to do anything that would hurt my back. So I would need to know how far I am going to carry 33.4 lbs. of water plus the weight of the two buckets before I would agree to fetch EXACTLY 4 gallons of water.

-----------------------------------------

You come to a river. You are carrying a fox, a chicken, and a bag of chicken feed. You can only carry one at a time as you swim across the river. You can't leave the fox alone with the chicken because he'll eat it. Likewise, you can't leave the chicken alone with the chicken feed. How do you do it?

* I swim across the river with the chicken and leave the fox and bag of chicken feed on the shore. The chicken claws and pecks at my face as I swim until I can't see from all the blood running in my eyes. In fear and desperation I drown the chicken just before I make it to the other shore. I then swim back and get the fox. I beat the fox to death with a rock so the fox can't eat away at my bloody face while I swim to the other shore with the fox. Then, leaving the dead fox with the dead chicken, I swim back and get the bag of chicken feed. Making it to the other shore with the bag of chicken feed, I then continue on my merry way having successfully crossed the river.

[kodydog]

If the fox didn't eat the chicken before you got to the river why worry he will eat it while crossing the river. I'd just take the bridge.

[sofadoc]

A circus owner posts a help wanted ad for a new lion tamer.
The only 2 applicants that show up are a blonde and an old retired Navy Seal. 

The owner tells them "I'm not going to sugar coat it. The lion has eaten my last 2 tamers. All you can use is a whip, a chair, and a gun".

The blonde volunteered to go first. She walked right past the whip, chair, and gun and entered the cage. The angry lion began snarling and charged at her. Just as he got close, the blonde flung open her coat to reveal her beautiful naked body. The lion stopped dead in his tracks. He crawled up and began licking her all over, then laid at her feet.

The circus owner was amazed. He turned to the Navy Seal and asked "Well......can you top that?"

The grizzled old man said "Sure.......but first, you gotta get that damn lion outta there".

[SteveA]

Hank is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, and says very slowly,
"Thank   you    very    much.    That    was    wonderful.
Now   listen   to   me   very,   very   closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back....!"

[sofadoc]

2 men died and went to heaven.

As they were waiting at the pearly gates, one man asked the other how he died.
He replied "I froze to death".

"Wow! That's horrible!" said the first man. "How did it feel to freeze to death?"

"Well" the second man replied. "First you shiver, then everything goes numb. Then you calmly die". "So how did YOU die?"

The first man explained "I was positive that my wife was having an affair. So I came home unexpectedly, only to find her sitting in a chair knitting. I ran to the basement, but found no one. Then I ran to the attic, and still found no one. At the top of the stairs, I stumbled and fell, striking my head and killing me".

"That's amazing" said the second man. "If you had only checked the freezer while you were in the basement, we'd BOTH still be alive".

[SteveA]

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month..
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
 
I joined a health club last year and
spent about 400 bucks, but
haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and
we don't know where the hell he is

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
 
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
 
AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

[gene]

I actually got home at 7:45 tonight. I spent an hour after work walking on the indoor track at my rec center. I've been walking 5 or 6 days a week for 50 to 60 minutes each time. I started in January of 2017. This January, 2018, I cut out processed foods and all sugar products. In the last 11 months I have lost 40 pounds. Last week I threw away my 44" waist pants and my 38" waist pants are a bit loose.

A customer told me about this book 3 years ago. It took about a year for me to get started, but I"m glad I did. Younger Next Year, by Chris Crowley

https://www.amazon.com/Younger-Next-Year-Strong-Beyond/dp/076114773X/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1541812565&sr=1-3&keywords=younger+next+year

gene

[kodydog]

TWO CAJUN PASTORS.

Reverend Boudreaux was the part time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.

They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

'Da End Is Near Turn YoSelf 'Roun Afor It Be Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled. You religious nuts!

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash...

Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay...

"Bridge Out"

[SteveA]

Good job Gene - Keep up the regimen.  I read that it's never too late to start eating healthy + exercise  no matter how much you screwed up your diet before the body starts healing.
Every year the Dr. tells me to drop a few lbs and I do but can't stick with it.  I'm going to try again after Thankgiving, Christmas, and New Years
SA

[sofadoc]

My doctor told me that for every mile I run, I could add 21 minutes on the end of my life.
I replied "Yeah......but it takes me 22 minutes to run that mile, so what's the point?"

[gene]

I saw George Burns at age 89 on a talk show. He was taking questions from the audience. A lady asked in a very condescending tone of voice, "What does your doctor say about you smoking all those cigars?"

George took a puff from his cigar and said, "My doctor's dead."

Thanks for the comments Steve. And I loved those old people exercise jokes you posted. 5 years ago I realized I had gotten old and fat. I resigned myself to never going wilderness canoeing again. Today I'm planning a canoe trip this Spring.

Last month I took my first Carnival Cruise. 7 days in the Caribbean. I went snorkeling 3 days and took hikes every day around 6 different islands. Two years ago I probably would not have even gone on the cruise, and if I had, I am certain I would have spend almost all the time on the ship or just walking around the port shops near the boat.

Our Standard American Diet is not helpful in growing old.

gene

[Mojo]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy ~ "I have a baseball."

Man ~ "That's nice."

Boy ~ "Want to buy it?

Man ~ "No, thanks."

Boy ~ "My dad's outside."

Man ~ "OK, how much?"

Boy ~ "$250?

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy ~ "It's dark in here."

Man ~ "Yes, it is."

Boy ~ "I have a baseball glove."

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy ~ "$750?

Man ~ "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy ~ "$1,000?


The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost."

"I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."

[SteveA]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic)  "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of us do.  Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 827% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


And the all-time favorite -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights still work?