End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)

[gene]

So how does SteveA do those incredible woodworking repairs?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9KQQ3z0puQ

gene

[SteveA]

How do you know if you're an old near retiring craftsman - woodworker - upholsterer.  Numbers are the answer.  If you add your age to the year you were born and the answer is this years date 2019 - you've been around longer than water -
SA

[SteveA]

Quote of the Day,

This could be on a giant billboard in every city in the US.

"America does not need to see the tax return of a billionaire who became a public servant.

America needs to see the tax returns of public servants who became millionaires while being public servants"

[SteveA]

Please - I know these are getting worse but my cronie friends who send me this stuff are not fueling the joke file too well.

A rabbi, a priest, and an Imam go into a sex shop to buy a blow up doll.  The rabbi asks for one that is inexpensive and they give him one that you blow up by mouth.  (Dennis already knows where this one is going)
The Priest wants to spend a little more money so they give him one that you blow up with a foot pump.  The Imam says give me the one that blows itself up

You're not laughing - I knew it

[SteveA]

Do you know why Trump doesn't wear glasses at 73 - because he has 2020 -

Student - I borrowed Thousands of dollars for student loans and now they want me to pay it back ?

Jokes - we used to tell  them before folks got offended by everything -

Senator for 36 years - VP for eight and blames Trump for everything -

Student - I want free health care, free housing, free food -  well would you like to try prison ? 

Whoever is making the comment how bad can the Dems get - please stop they are taking it as a challenge -

Weee dogggieees Granny this girl AOC is making Elly May look like a genius -

Please don't drink + drive - text + drive or vote democrat - this has been a Public Safety Announcement -

Instead of bashing Trump why not post what you love about the Democratic Party  -

[SteveA]

Make sure your  label says Made IN The USA  - we do not want the Russians meddling in our erections

What's the most common side effect of prescription drugs ?  Bankruptcy !

I'm watching a 3 year old pull up apps on a cell phone - me I just figured out how to turn mine off without taking the battery out. 

People are excited about the new i Phone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology of using your blinker when you drive.

Ditcher, Quick & Hyde = Divorce Lawyers

Don't blame the Holidays - you were fat in August.

Dear Santa, this year all I ask is for a big bank account and a slim body PLEASE don't mix up the two like you did last year.

Pharmacist = Sir please understand to buy an anti depressant pills you need a proper prescription .... simply showing you marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough -

Police Officer =  I see by your profile you're married so you already know anything you say will be used against you -

[SteveA]

Some old - some new for 2020

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.  It's syncing now. 

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.   

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. 

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. 

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. 

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge. 

A dentist and a manicurist married.  They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?  He's all right now. 

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired. 

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 

Acupuncture is a jab well done.  That's the point of it. 

I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me. 

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? 

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. 

When chemists die, they barium. 

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.   

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it down.

 

[SteveA]

AVOCADOS
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.  The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!  Men will get it the first time.

[SteveA]

STATISTIC
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC , PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary.  It means 75% are running around untreated.

[SteveA]

Redneck Medical Terminology
Rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology:
Medical Term   Redneck Definition
Artery    The study of painting
Bacteria   Back door to cafeteria
Barium    What doctors do when patients die
Benign    What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section    A neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan    Searching for Kitty
Cauterize    Made eye contact with her
Colic    A sheep dog
Coma    A punctuation mark
Dilate    To live long
Enema    Not a friend
Fester    Quicker than someone else
Fibula    A small lie
Impotent    Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain    Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff    A Doctor's cane
Morbid    A higher offer
Nitrates    Rates of Pay for Working at night, Normally more money than Days
Node    I knew it
Outpatient    A person who has fainted
Pelvis    Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative    A letter carrier
Recovery Room    Place to do upholstery
Rectum    Nearly killed him
Secretion    Hiding something
Seizure   Roman Emperor
Tablet   A small table
Terminal Illness   Getting sick at the airport
Tumor   One plus one more
Urine   Opposite of you're out

[SteveA]

Question : When is the use of "@#$%" or "@#$%ing" acceptable?

Answer: There are only 11 times throughout history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

In ASCENDING order, those exclamations were:

11 . "What the @#$% do you mean, we're sinking?"
~ Capt. E. J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912.
10 . "What the @#$% was that?"
~ Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945
9 . " Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
~ George Custer, 1877
8 . "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
~ Albert Einstein, 1938.
7 . "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
Picasso, 1926
6 . "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
~ Pythagoras, 126 BC.
5 . "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
~ Michelangelo, 1566.
4 . "Where the @#$% are we?"
~ Amelia Earhart, 1937
3 . "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
~ Noah, 4314 BC
2 . "Aw, come on Monica. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
~ Bill Clinton, 1998
AND THE WINNER IS .....
1 . "There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President"
~ Hillary Clinton, 2016

[SteveA]

In this crazy political season, it might be appropriate to examine a short Bible study.

Remember that Jesus said: 'Goats on the left, sheep on the right' (Matthew 25:33).
Jesus also told Peter that if he wanted to catch fish do it from the right side of the boat. They did and filled the boat with fish.

John 21:6 (NIV) ... He said, "Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.  " When they did, they were unable to haul in the net because of the large number of fish."

Origin of Left & Right...I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the "right" and Liberals are called the "left".
By chance, I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible: Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV) - "The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left." It surely can't get any simpler than that.




Never grow a wishbon!!
Where a backbone ought to be...

[SteveA]

ITALIAN MOTHER
 
Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while
He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?"
Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"
Mama replies: "I don't like her."

[SteveA]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client
"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million ... and I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow!  Well done!  My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news.  What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

[SteveA]

Why Go To Church
I think this is fantastic, I just love the guy's answer, and the
interpretation for the word BIBLE... enjoy and pass it on .

If you're spiritually alive, you're going to love this!
If you're spiritually dead, you won't want to read it.
If you're spiritually curious, there is still hope!

A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday .

He wrote: "I've gone for 30 years now, and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons, but for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time, the preachers and priests are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all".

This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column. Much to the delight of the editor, it went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:

"I've been married for 30 years now.  In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals.  But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals.

But I do know this:  They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work.  If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today .

Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today !"

When you are DOWN to nothing, God is UP to something!
Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible & receives the impossible! Thank God for our physical and our spiritual nourishment!

IF YOU CANNOT SEE GOD IN ALL, YOU CANNOT SEE GOD AT ALL !

B. I. B L. E.  simply means:  Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth!

When you are about to forward this to others, the devil will discourage you.  So go on! Forward this to people who are DEAR to you and TRUST GOD.