End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)

[SteveA]

IRISH GHOST STORY


This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

John Bradford, a  Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by.  The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.


Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door ... Only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.


The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.  Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.


Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it... Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.


A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying ... And wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..

'Look Paddy ... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

[SteveA]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climb s the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[SteveA]

Deep Thoughts Of A Retired Man.

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.  The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
She then said that's what you did yesterday--to which I replied--"I WASN'T DONE, SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"  At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?  Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.  Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion.  A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.  Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

[kodydog]

3 weeks ago I attended my brother-in-law and good friend retirement party. Today he posted on fb a comical retirement book he was reading. Your joke was a prefect response and when Rose read it she cracked up. Thanks for all the jokes Steve.

[gene]

A friend was wounded in Vietnam 3 times. He hurt his back 25 years ago and went on disability. The VA allowed him to become addicted to morphine because that was only way he could get pain relief. He had 2 or 3 surgeries for a brain tumor. One day at a picnic I mentioned how I had kidney stones one time. My friend lit up like a Christmas tree and started telling us all about how the worst pain he ever had was his kidney stones.

Every woman I have talked to who gave birth and also had kidney stones has said that the kidney stones were more painful.

No one has ever said "You know. I would like a few more kidney stones."

gene

[Mojo]

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

[SteveA]

A little girl at the zoo was leaning over
the railing surrounding the lions' cage.
Suddenly, one of the lions grabbed her by
the collar of her jacket and tried to pull
her through the bars into its cage.

As her shocked and fearful parents screamed
for help, a biker roared over on his Harley
and skidded to a stop right in front of them.
He jumped off his bike, ran up to the cage,
and hit the lion square on the nose with a
powerful punch. Whimpering from pain,
the lion jumped back and released the girl.

A reporter who coincidentally witnessed
the whole event came over and said to the
Harley rider, "Sir, that was the most gallant
and bravest thing I've ever seen."

The biker replied, "Hell, it was nothing,
really. The lion was behind bars, I saw that
this little kid was in danger, and just reacted."

The reporter said, "Well, I'm a journalist,
and I intend to make sure your courageous
act doesn't go unnoticed. This story will be
on the front page of tomorrow's paper!

"So tell me, what do you do for a living,
and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker answered, "I'm a proud U.S.
Marine, I'm a Republican, and I voted for
President Trump."

The reporter thanked him for his service
and their brief interview, and left.

The following morning the biker bought a
paper to see if it indeed carried the story
of his brief encounter with the lion. True
to the journalist's promise, the following
headline appeared on the front page:
"U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS LION
IMMIGRANT, STEALS HIS LUNCH!"   

[SteveA]

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency.
The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.
The couple then produced photos of their 50 foot motor home, which was
clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would
receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor
who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French,
Mandarin, and computer skills.

Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a
circus environment. "Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric
care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers were finally satisfied.  They asked, "What age child are
you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter...... as long as the kid fits in the cannon.

[gene]

Boom! That's a joke you can catch with a net.

A comedian said "My wife and I decided we do not want to have any children. So, if anyone wants a 4 year old girl and a 2 year old boy..."

[SteveA]

Gene you're somewhat breaking the mold - wives + jokes -
Those one liners are the best e.g. Dangerfield -
SA

[gene]

SteveA, my wife won't let me tell jokes about wives. :-)

gene

[SteveA]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine
    when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
   
    Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to
    investigate.
   
    He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
   
    "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
    "We have to eat grass."
   
    "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and

    I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
   
    "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.

    They are over there, under that tree."
   
    "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
   
    Turning to the other poor man he stated,

    "You may come with us, also."
   
    The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said,

    "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
   
    "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
   

    They all entered the car, which was no easy task,

    even for a car as large as the limousine.
   
    Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned

    to the lawyer and said,"Sir, you are too kind.

    Thank you for taking all of us with you."
   

    The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

    You'll really love my place.

    The grass is almost a foot high."
   

   

    C'mon...did you really think there was such a thing

    as a heart warming lawyer story???

[SteveA]

ROMANCE:

Betty was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Betty was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting...." 

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...." 
Mildly irritated, he reached across gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck...."

Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Betty asked.

"To get my teeth!" 


DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER:

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec-room at the retirement home. She holds herclenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." 


OLD FRIENDS:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.


I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?" 


SENIOR DRIVING:

As a senior citizen was driving down the interstate, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car, it's hundreds of them!" 

[SteveA]

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.
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Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.
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Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
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Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille, because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.
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Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille, because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.
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Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille, because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
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Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille, because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.
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Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

[SteveA]

Some oldies - nothing new came through this week -

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together..


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.


'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
 
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.   It's called marriage.'

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'


First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'