Friday funny

[gene]

Who ever said upholsterers have no sense of humor.

The caption on this picture said, "I keep the leg of every pirate I kill."

https://i.redd.it/tpv3eurahkaz.jpg

gene

[SteveA]

ABOUT GROWING OLDER ...
First ~      Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. 
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~    Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me.  I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
                I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of algebra ...
Fifth ~     You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~     I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. 
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about ageing is that it's such a nice change from being young.
Eight ~     One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~    Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable and relaxed.
Tenth ~     Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today it's called golf.
And, finally ~    If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

[byhammerandhand]

P.S.  Don't forget to ask for Senior Discount

[kodydog]

#5 has me worried.

[Skippy]

When You're Seventy

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own
business.  This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my
behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone
number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you're seventy..............who cares?


I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms,
please."
Lady Clerk:  "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir I said "Nah...
She's purty good  lookin'....."When you're seventy.............who cares?

I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,  You'd look
all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there   Instead of you."
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you're seventy..............who cares?

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born
just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... Try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on,
what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but..
When you're seventy..............who cares.

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.  The lifeguard shouted
at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you're seventy..............who cares?
( Comment added by Simonsens) Talk about peeing in the pool, I thought only kids did it??? Last week as I was listening to the radio-  a report was referenced saying that they found that 90% of people pee in the pool and pool water is about 2% pee. And I go there everyday... 

[ What I want to know is where they did the survey for the radio report so I don't make the mistake of swimming there! Diana]

I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."                   
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"                 
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you're seventy...............who cares.

[sofadoc]

A 70 year old man was on trial for public lewdness at a local high school football game.

Old man: "But your honor, all I did was kiss a cheerleader."
Judge: "True, but you neglected to mention that she was right in the middle of a cartwheel at the time."