Laugh each day.

[byhammerandhand]

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."

[byhammerandhand]

First dirty joke I ever heard, compliments of my uncle Geoff:

A guy dies and goes to the other place.   The devil tells him he has a choice of three rooms, but once he makes a choice, that is is choice for eternity.

He opens the first door and there are a bunch of people standing on their heads on an ice cold slab of marble.   

The guy decides to look at the other options, the second room has a bunch of people standing on their heads on a bed of nails.

Not liking either of those he goes to the third room where people are standing around in a waste deep cesspool, but they're all having coffee and eating donuts, laughing and socializing with each other.

The guy decides the third option is really smelly, but at least he won't be in pain standing on his head for eternity.   He walks in the door and heads for the donuts and hears a voice, "OK, annual coffee break over, back on your heads, everyone."

[gene]

The best:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNEWatD0viw

gene

[kodydog]

WHAT A COINCIDENCE
A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.
The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."
"What a coincidence," said the farmer, "It is a special day for me -- I'm celebrating"

"It is a special day for me too, I too am celebrating!" said the woman.
"What a coincidence," said the farmer.

While they toasted, the man asked: " What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I are trying to have a child for years, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant."
"What a coincidence!" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

"This is awesome," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster," the farmer said.

The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence!"

[Virgs Sew n Sew]

My FIL told us this one.  It's a favorite.

Sven was a Swedish WWI pilot.  One day the Pastor of their local Church asked him to give a talk to the Ladies Auxiliery about his experiences in the First Big One. 

Sven stood up before the ladies and began to talk (remember to dub a Swedish accent here):  "Well this one day I was flying.  I looked to my left and I saw this group of Faulkers coming towards me.  I looked to the right and there was another group of Faulkers heading towards me."

At this point, the Pastor interceded.  "Ladies, you must remember that a Faulker was a brand of Fighter Jets used during WWI.

Sven nodded and replied:  "Yah, but these Faukers were Mescherschmidts."

[byhammerandhand]

Rules of Life

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity: Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance: If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it!!

19. Doctors' Law: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick

[SteveA]

I know that law of Mechanical Repair - not smart when working with paint remover -
SA

[kodydog]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says; "A beer please, and one for the road."

[Darren Henry]

psst Kody, how do you catch aicixelsyd?? :P

[kodydog]

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "Its true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

[kodydog]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fish

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!

[Darren Henry]

What do you call a cow with no legs?--------------ground beef.

what do you call a pig with no legs?----------------ground hog.

What do you call a dog with no legs?---------------Don't bother, he isn't going to come anyway.

[kodydog]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour the manager comes out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why, they asked as they moved on.

Because, he said, "I cant stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[gene]

Two flys are sitting on some dog poop.

One fly farts.

The other fly says, "Oh come on! That's gross! Can't you see I'm trying to eat?"

gene