Mojo's Friday Funnies

[Mojo]

This is a two for one special this week.

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away." The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried; "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?" The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[Cheryl]

LOL! cute!

[BigJohn]

Chris:
     If you only knew how many miles a lot of your Friday Funnies accumulate by myself and others passing them on, thanks for brightening my day.
                                   Big John

[sofadoc]

Question: Why they call it PMS?
Answer: Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

[kodydog]

Three nuns are walking down the sidewalk. All of a sudden a flasher jumps out of the bushes and whips open his coat. Well two of the nuns have a stroke right then and there. The third one says, I don't care what you two do I'm not touching that thing.

[Mojo]

Thanks John.

I just try to give people a laugh or smile after a long hard week. :)

Chris

[gene]

I'm glad you said: A woman brought a very limp 'duck'...

You had me worried there for a moment, Mojo.

gene

[JuneC]

Ha, Kody  :D  I had to read that 3 times before I got it.  Just kept thinking to myself "what's funny about that?".. LOL 

Chris, I had to forward that first one to my daughter who's a vet tech.  Pretty cute. 

June

[Darren Henry]

It seems to be raining good jokes this morning. I just got this email from Dad and had to share it.

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. 

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.  Vet takes a look and says

"It seems calm enough to me". 

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
 
  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
 
  Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.  It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".


  Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
 
  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
 
  Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" 

"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor. 

"No!" shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
 
  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
 
 
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk.  Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
 
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.  Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
 
Cop says, "For Gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swingin' about!"
 
  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
 
Paddy's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. 

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
 
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
 
"Here, boy" he replies.
 
  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
 
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. 

"And just what in the blitherin' hell ya doin'?" he asks.. 

"Hangin' meself" Paddy replies. 

"It should be 'round yer neck" says the guard.

"I tried dat," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe".
 
  ............... .............. ...................
 
An American tourist asks an Irish dive master: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies,  "Why, if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."