friday

[gene]

My wife emailed this to me. I don't understand it. Anyone care to help?

When God created Adam and Eve, He said:
I only have two gifts:
One is the art of peeing standing up ...
And then Adam stepped forward and shouted:
ME!, ME!, ME!, I would love it please ... Lord, please, please!
Look, it will make my life substantially easier.
Eve nodded, and said those things did not matter to her.
Then God gave Adam the gift and he began to shout for joy.
He ran through the garden of Eden and used it to wet all the trees and bushes, ran down the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand ...
Well, he would not stop showing off.
God and Eve watched the man go crazy with happiness  for a while, then God turned to Eve
and said "and here is your gift.... a brain!"

gene

[Mike]

I never though of a beach in  the garden

[SteveA]

There may be a subliminal message in that e-mail but you knew that !
SA

[sofadoc]

Joe was getting ready for work one morning, when he received a text from his next door neighbor.

It said "Joe, I'm sorry to tell you this. But I've been on your wife every day after you go to work. I'm very embarrassed about it, and I promise I'll never do it again".

In a fit of rage, Joe went to the closet........got his pistol........and shot his wife dead.

Just then, another text from his neighbor came through on his phone.

It said "Damn auto-correct.........I meant Wi-Fi".

[Mojo]

" In the beginning God Created man and then rested. He then created women and no ones rested since ".

:)

Chris

[byhammerandhand]

College Entrance Exam For Student Athletes

Time Limit: 3 WEEKS

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) sail the ocean
____ (c) lead an army or
____ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish
____ (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
____ (a) Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

Bush: __________________________
Carter: __________________________
Clinton: __________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Macy's
____ (b) Kmart
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
____ (a) yes
____ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____ (a) New York
____ (b) Florida
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
____ (a) B.C
____ (b) A.D.

[Darren Henry]

Question 11 has two correct answers; D-- if its local, or summer. If we get it from C---It has to be thawed, but it lasts longer 'cause it's frozen.

[gene]

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) sail the ocean
____ (c) lead an army or
____ (d) WRITE A PLAY

He's been dead for centuries. You can't ask him anything?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? What if both your hands are the same size?

11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Macy's
____ (b) Kmart
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) the sky

I thought it was Spain.

13. What are coat hangers used for? To open the car door when you lock your keys in it. I actually had a friend recently lock his keys in his car after a meeting and he asked me if I had a coat hanger. I said 'yes', opened my truck, and handed him a plastic coat hanger. I laughed till I cried. He was not amused.

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____ (a) New York
____ (b) Florida
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) Wisconsin

Don't you mean 'orangutangs'?

gene

[kodydog]

How many do they need to get correct to get e passing grade. 15 would be a tough one.

[sofadoc]

15 would be a tough one.

I agree. What if I didn't bring any block letters with me on the day of the test? Do you think they would let me use Scrabble tiles?

[gene]

What if I didn't bring any block letters with me on the day of the test? Do you think they would let me use Scrabble tiles?

Would refrigerator magnet letters be just as good? On second thought, probably not. Most class rooms where the tests are being given don't have a refrigerator.

One of my earliest memories is of those wooden block letters. I can still 'smell' the wood. I used to chew on them all the time. They probably had lead paint which may explain a few of my idiosyncrasies.

gene