Your Saturday AM Chuckle

[Mojo]

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the

reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I

would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for

Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

* *



Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all

fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the

time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to

get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you

something you can go outside and play with.
*Merry Christmas,*

Santa Claus

**** *

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "Naughty vs. Nice" contract,

set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to

granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this

joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at

my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit

trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

* *


Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria,

need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it

a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,

well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been

on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be

more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I

alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social

skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the

bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

* *


Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was

attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends

into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys

and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console,

my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

* *


Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on

one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny Gang-banger wannabe? "He sees

you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar,

genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your

ass wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people

that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll

all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you

asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in

your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

* *


Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

* *


Timmy,

That's what I thought, you little jerk.

Santa

[Darren Henry]

GODDAM, CHRIS; I think I'm going to sue you for not putting a warning label on this joke as I think I may have wet myself laughing.  :

I've gotta get a copy of this of to Dad.He will pee himself at his age LOL.

[Mojo]

I laughed my butt off myself when I read it the first time ( and the second time ).

Then I realized that this sounds like todays society and got sad.  :(

Chris

[byhammerandhand]

I did a search on "Letters to Santa"   After I waded through a number of sites that will send a letter "from Santa" for $9.95, I found some real ones.   Very surprised the number of kids that want XBox, iPhones, and video games.

[Darren Henry]

I just sat down to forward Chris' joke to Dad and found this one from him. For those not familiar with Canada and our gun laws; "Harper" is our prime minister who was responsible for a multimillion dollar boon doggle to register all the legally owned and stored firearms because they can't stop the flow of illegal pistols etc coming up from the states to arm the gangs and drug cartels that they can't control.The rules have gotten almost as strict as Europe and the UK.

There was a bit of confusion at the Sporting goods store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down , facing me."
>
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> Making a mental note to complain to Harper about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
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> When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
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> I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
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> They need to make their instructions to us  seniors  a little clearer!

[byhammerandhand]

There were three couples that wanted to join a very conservative church.   During their membership meetings, the pastor said, "In order to prove that you are really serious, we ask all membership candidates to remain celibate for a month before joining."   With that he dismissed them and asked them to come back in a month.

The pastor met with them after the month and asked each if they had been faithful to their promise.

The first couple was in their 80s and the old man said, "No problem at all.   Just the same as usual at our house."

The second couple was in their 40s and the woman said, "Well, it was really hard, but we knew it was important, so we slept in separate rooms, took a lot of cold showers, dressed separately, and I'm proud to say we made it successfully."

The third couple was in their 20s and the guy said,  "Well, it was really difficult.   After the first few days, we decided the only way we were going to make it was to get really busy in something.   So we decided to remodel out kitchen.   Every day after work and all weekend, we kept busy on carpentry, plumbing, electrical work, tile work, etc.   We went to bed so exhausted every night.   Then one day in the last week, Linda bend over to get a can of paint.  There she was, all bent over in a tight pair of jeans.   It was just too much, I ran right over, ripped off her clothes and we made passionate love right there."

The pastor praised the first two couples then told the third couple, "I'm, sorry, but we won't be able to let you join the church.  In fact, I'm going to ask that you go elsewhere and never come back here."

The young guy responded,  "I completely understand.   Home Depot said the same thing."

[gene]

Santa is texting and even the Pope got off his first tweet. What is this world coming to?!?

Good one, mr. mojo.


This one is true: I was asked to help count inventory for a small non profit business on Dec. 27. Here is the email that I sent in reply. Caroline said I almost made her pee her pants. I seem to have that effect on a lot of people. Maybe I should have been a urinary doctor instead of an upholsterer.


Hi Caroline,

I told Santa Clause that what I want for Christmas is a 3 MONTH vacation at the Princeville Resort on the north shore of Kauai, Hawaii.

Santa told me to get off his lap or he would call the mall security and I would be banned from Kenwood Mall for life.

So, it appears that I will not be getting what I want for Christmas. Therefore, I will be glad to help with the inventory on December 27 around 10 a.m.

Please note that I am trying to get my wife to convert with me to Judaism. I'm hoping I can get my 3 month vacation as a Hanukkah gift.

Muslims don't do presents, do they? I mean other than back pack bombs.

See you on Dec. 27.

Aloha,

Gene

[Mike]

the cashier said, "Strip down , facing me."

>  I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

ive never head that referring to a credit charge?

[Darren Henry]

remember back before debit/credit cards had chips you had to swipe the magnetic strip through the interact machine and no two were the same alignment.