Week Starter Belly Laugh

[BigJohn]

Bill staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy Sven. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife Lena. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the ...bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Bill sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a band-aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty band-aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning,

Bill woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Bill?"
Bill said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly...it's all those band-aids stuck on the hall mirror."

[christwo]

A lady is throwing a Birthday party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out.. a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing,  Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!  The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"


A good old joke: A long time ago, a visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers."

"And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.




One morning a man came into the church on crutches.
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said.
"Tell me where is this man now?"
"Flat on his arse over by the holy water," said the boy.