Friday Funny

[byhammerandhand]

   
Top 8 Morons of 2012

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts!

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'That's not what I said!'

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'.
'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.  Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

[byhammerandhand]

A group of bikers were riding west on an interstate in Texas when they saw a girl
about to jump off a high bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through
a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend
opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ...
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers,
and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey!
That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[byhammerandhand]

Two 90-year-old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him everyday. One day, Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, somehow, you must let me know if there's baseball there."

Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed," Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight, a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him," Moe. Moe."

"Who is it"? asks Moe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it"?

"Moe, it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you"?

"In Heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," Joe says "is that there's baseball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So, what's the bad news"?

"You're pitching Tuesday."

[gene]

I few days ago I pulled up to my studio and a guy had just parked his car right in front of my door. There are many parking spots 15 feet away from my door but he decided to block my door. I asked him nicely to move his car. His reply was not very friendly. I asked again, very nicely, and he threatened me. I called 911.

The two cops ran this guys' license plate, and looking at this guys priors, one cop said, "Wow. Look at that. You'd think this guy would know to keep his mouth shut."

The guy that threatened me, and the guy renting the shop beside mine, I think are members of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). I got the impression that they have been big shots in AA for many years. They think that because they no longer piss their pants or have black outs that they have found "recovery". LOL I think both these guys suffer from Alcohol dementia. Too many brain cells have been killed off from too much drinking over too many years, and they simply cannot respond to simple, kind requests. Everything and everyone in their lives are perceived by them as a threat. So, they threaten back.

I do not carry a concealed weapon, but I know more and more people who do. Instead of Clint Eastwoods' "You feeling lucky, punk?", it would be "You want to pitch on Tuesday, punk?" LOL

If there had been only one person in that movie theater in Co. who had a concealed carry permit...

gene

[sofadoc]

The two cops ran this guys' license plate, and looking at this guys priors, one cop said, "Wow. Look at that. You'd think this guy would know to keep his mouth shut."

It always amazes me when knuckleheads that are already wanted by the police drive with expired plates, or a missing tail light, or something else that will call attention to them.

And when they pull up to the same intersection with a policeman, they immediately floor it.

[kodydog]

Thanks for the laughs Hammer. Especially the tough guy biker one.

I-95 is the drug running corridor of the eastern US. Always amazes me when these bozo's get busted for doing 95 mph in a 70 zone.

[sofadoc]

I was in Belize last year. Drug running is huge there. They only have 3 traffic lights in the entire country, At all other intersections, they or may not have police with rifles pointed at you. If they signal for you to stop, it would be in your best interest to do so.