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5 minute management course

Lesson 1:

 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. 

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.  When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor 

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

  The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.  When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 

'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.

  Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

 

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

Lesson 2:

 

A priest offered a Nun a lift.  She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' 

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' 

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. 

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

 

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

Lesson 3:

 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. 

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'  Puff! She's gone. 

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'  Puff! He's gone. 

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'



Moral of the story:  Always let your boss have the first say.

 

Lesson 4

 

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.  A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'  The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

 

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

Lesson 5

 

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. 

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

 

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

 

Lesson 6

 

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a

large field.  While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. 

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. 

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

 

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.  (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

 

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Does anyone have a source for replacement mechanisms?  I have run into dead ends.  Leggett & Platt, my usual supplier, did not make them.

A couple of years ago, Barcalounger went through reorganization bankruptcy, sputtered and fumed, and eventually Ashley Furniture bought them.  Though it seems to be mostly just intellectual property as when I talked to them, they had started labeling their Chinese stuff with the name and had no idea about replacement parts.

This is the proof that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Question:

Are you Male, or female?


To find out the answer,Look down....













































Look down, not scroll down !

   
Top 8 Morons of 2012

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts!

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'That's not what I said!'

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'.
'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.  Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

A boy says to his mother, "Mom, is God a man or a woman?"

The mom thinks a while and says, "Well, son, God is both a man and a woman!"

The son is confused, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

The mother replies, "God is both black and white, honey."

The son, still curious, says after a while, "Is God gay or straight, mommy?"

The mother, getting a little worried, answers, "Son, God is both gay and
straight."

The son thinks about it, and his face lights up when he thinks he finally
has answered his question: "Is God Micheal Jackson?"

couple of days late:

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.



(I had a student like that in my freshman calculus class.   Never offered me money, but he had a strong 30% average on tests.   Might have helped if he ever showed up for class and not just the tests.)

I have customer that wants me to start stocking recliner cable releases "parachute pulls"    My inventory is running low and I'm looking for a supplier.   I contacted Leggett & Platt and they carry some styles, but not the ones with springs on the end.   

Brief internet searches show a few places where I can get them, but L&P's are just over $7 each; the internet places want $25-33 each.   Whoa!  What kind of markup is that?  I don't mind stocking a dozen or so at $7 each, but am reluctant to pop down $300 for parts that I might not ever use.

Anyone know a good source for inexpensive pulls like these with D-handles on the opposite end?

For a discussion of types http://www.athomefurniturerepair.com/Release-Cables.html

I got a promo on this in my inbox today.   I'm not terribly impressed with Thompson's products (Friends don't let friends use Minwax), but thought this might be of some interest

http://www.thompsonswaterseal.com/waterproofing-products/waterproofers/waterseal-fabric-seal

The Husband lay dying. The wife was by his bedside, he said in a tired voice."There's something I must confess."

"Shhh". said the wife, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's all right."

"No" the husband replied "I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friends, Julie and Anne, and even your step-mother!"

"I know," she whispered "That's why I poisoned you, you S.O.B., now close your eyes...

THE STUTTERING KITTEN FROM THE MOUTH OF A CHILD...YOU NEVER KNOW.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."

A little girl raises her hand. saying, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary,"

The little girl said, "It sure was.

My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

It's not well known but Joe Biden has a workshop in the VP mansion.   One weekend, he was tinkering around on a project and discovered he did not have enough glue to finish.  Though he was dressed in his grubbies, hadn't shaved that day, he decided to make a quick run to Home Depot before they closed.   He was checking out when the clerk gave him a strange look.

"Has anyone ever told you that you look a lot like Joe Biden?"

Joe smirked and said, "Yeah, I get that all the time."

The clerk bagged up the glue and said, "I bet that really pisses you off, huh?"

A comedian dies and goes to heaven.  There he's put in a room with other comedians.

He takes a seat.  The someone calls out '235," and everyone laughs hysterically. 

The laughter dies down and someone else say, "1049," and likewise, everyone laughs.

Finally, the new guy turns to his neighbor and says, "What's up with this number thing?

The guy says, "Well, we all know the jokes, it just saves a lot of time if we assign them all a number.  When someone calls out the number, we all recall the joke and know it's a funny one, so we laugh."

"Hmmm," the new guy says and he tries it out by yelling, "53!"   Nothing.
Then he tries it again, "420!"  Still nothing.

Now he turns to his neighbor and says, "Aren't those funny jokes, or what?"

The old-timer responds, "You know, some people just can't tell a joke; no sense of comedic timing."

This week's schedule also reminded me of "Hammer's Corollary"
Problem customers come in threes.   When you have one nasty customer, you'll get another soon, then brace yourself for a third.

"If, during the course of your day, you run into an a$$hole, then you ran into an a$$hole. If, during the course of your day, you run into 5 a$$holes, then you are an a$$hole."

I worked in the corporate world for 30 years before leaving to carry a tool box.   When people ask me if I miss the corporate world, my response is always, "Not the meetings."

I have an upcoming job to rehab some conference room tables.  They want me to come in on a weekend or evening because
1) I might do something that will make people sick.  Mind you, I will be rubbing out scratches.  I sent them MSDS for all the products I might possibly use.
2) They could not possibly give up two of their meeting rooms for a whole day.

They probably had to call a meeting to review this work.

Let me be the first to say that if the meeting rooms were closed for a day, productivity would go up.  I can't ever remember a meeting that was not a total waste of time.   Especially heinous are the "What I did on summer vacation"  type meetings where everyone tells what they or their group did since the last meeting.   Really, I could read this in 1/10th the time; less if you count the time "waiting a few more minutes for everyone to show up."

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted
by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy
yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take
this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1959, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean no sex since 1959! She took his
hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax"
him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1959!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2137 now."

---

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.

A few moments passed .. "An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving."

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments,

"The Coopers are having sex."

Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!

Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too"

Here it is, noon on Wednesday and I figure I've lost 7 or 8 billable hours already this week.

I do nearly all my work on site, by appointment.   Most of that is paid by third party such as retailer, warranty service, delivery company, etc.  So the end consumer is not paying for it.   Three of my last five appointments have called within 24 hours (some as soon as within 4 hours saying they need to change the appointment.)    This leaves me with a big gap in my schedule that I can't fill.  Sometimes, I've tried to arrange three calls in a distant part of town only to have the middle one need to change, so I'm sitting somewhere else where I can't do any work because if I headed back to the shop (assuming there's some work there, which there often isn't)  I'd just get there in time to head back out.

I'm thinking of instituting a $50 charge for appointments broken with 48 hours or "oops, I forgot you were coming" no-shows once I get there.

Has anyone tried this?   I'd need to get approval from my billing customers  before instituting this (so they don't have a PO'd client), or to bill them.

A guy is travelling through the south and his car breaks down. After walking for a long time, he walks into a redneck biker bar. As you can expect, the place all quiets down and looks at him as he sits down and orders a drink. One of the bikers walks over with a pool cue and says, "You ain't from around here are you?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Buffalo."

The biker says, "What on earth is a guy from Buffalo doing here?"

He says, "I'm on my way to a taxidermy conference. I'm a taxidermist"

The biker is puzzled and says, "What the hell is a tax-e-dermist?"

The guy is getting a bit worried now and says, "Well, um, I mount animals."

The biker laughs, turns to his buddies and says, "It's OK guys, he's one of us!"


=

I know they've been struggling for a while, but as late as last November, they were trying to reorganize and re-open.

http://www.furnituretoday.com/article/537457-Berkline_says_it_will_shut_down_liquidate.php

I drive past this place when I go to visit a couple of my kids.  There's always a parking lot full of units on their way in or out.   Check out the portfolio:

http://www.creativemobileinteriors.com/