I saw two people weaving down the street. I yelled at them, "Come on! Get a loom!"
gene
QuoteIn the 1860s, a small but impassioned debate broke out in both England, France, and the U.S. regarding the potentially "exciting" effects of the sewing machine. That's right--doctors worried that the rhythmic pumping of the thighs resulted in sexual arousal and that women workers were using the machines to stimulate themselves. Equal parts hilarious and infuriating, it is a story that brings up questions of the industrial use of women's bodies, their unanswered complaints of fatigue and ailment, masculine control of female sexual processes, and the threat of a working woman enjoying a private pleasure. In short, it's a juicy one. (Pun most definitely intended.)
I wonder who won the debate?
https://thefiberarchive.com/2016/05/13/history-project-the-immoral-rhythms-of-the-early-sewing-machine/
Jim's wife Linda was cooking breakfast.
Jim yelled out "Those eggs are going to stick! You need more butter! Hurry, hurry! More butter!"
Linda ran to the fridge to get more butter.
Suddenly Jim yelled "They're going to burn. You need to turn them. Hurry, turn them!"
She forgot about the butter, and ran back to the stove to turn them.
Then Jim started yelling for more butter again. "Hurry, hurry! More butter!"
"Turn them! Hurry, turn them!"
Linda was so upset, that she started crying. "Why are you yelling at me like this? I know how to cook eggs!"
Jim said "I know...........I just wanted you to know what it's like when I'm driving and you're in the car with me."
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!"
The teacher sat down and cried.
Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!"
Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her arthritic hands are so bad she can only fasten eight."
I can remember the good ol' days when I would have chuckled at Keith's joke instead of having my alternative ending pop into my head, as I was rubbing my sore knees. :)
gene
A blonde went to the local dairy to buy enough milk to take a milk bath.
The manager asked "Do you want that milk pasteurized?
The blonde said "Nah. Just give me enough to fill the tub passed my ass. I can splash around if I want to get it in my eyes".
Yes Gene. I know this joke is dated. Nobody has asked for pasteurized milk in 40 years.
Quote from: gene on February 18, 2017, 05:21:20 am
Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!"
Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her arthritic hands are so bad she can only fasten eight."
But Gene.......the whole premise of the classic line of "Little Johnny" jokes is that Little Johnny will turn something perfectly innocent into something vile and offensive. By changing the punchline to "arthritic hands", you have reduced Little Johnny from the vulgar hellion that we've all grown to know and love to just another precocious little scamp.
Little Johnny jokes would never be the same again. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to rule your submission inadmissible.
Here here!! Little Johnny might be a little rough around the edges---but to have him picking on us for being old and worn out just makes him seem mean. LOL.
BTW before I share this next one, does anyone remember the old TV show "Hollywood Squares" and or the entertainer "Grandpa Jones" of Grand ole opery fame?
Quote from: Darren Henry on February 18, 2017, 01:58:25 pm
Here here!! Little Johnny might be a little rough around the edges---but to have him picking on us for being old and worn out just makes him seem mean. LOL.
BTW before I share this next one, does anyone remember the old TV show "Hollywood Squares" and or the entertainer "Grandpa Jones" of Grand ole opery fame?
Yes. Some real classic responses on Hollywood Squares. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0059995/quotes
My college roommates and I would often watch Hee-Haw before heading out for Saturday night.
Quote from: byhammerandhand on February 18, 2017, 04:47:16 pm
Yes. Some real classic responses on Hollywood Squares. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0059995/quotes
It was painfully obvious how scripted all those funny answers were. The writers started with a punchline, and then wrote a question to fit it.
Back in the day, viewers actually thought that the stars came up with those hilarious answers off the cuff.
QuoteJohnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!"
I always remember an episode of Hollywood squares where Grandpa Jones was asked to complete the line "One flew east and one flew west----". With a totally straight face he answered "when Dollie Parton took off her vest".
I wonder how much of Dolly was real under her vest? Johnny Carson once said he would give a years pay to peek under there.
She wore wigs. Her husband stayed at home and tended to the business and home life. He seemed to not want any publicity.
I occasionally would watch Hollywood Squares when I was a kid and never knew what most of those stars did that made them stars. Were they mostly B and C actors?
gene
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.The bride slapped the groom.
The groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
Quote from: gene on February 19, 2017, 11:26:40 am
I occasionally would watch Hollywood Squares when I was a kid and never knew what most of those stars did that made them stars. Were they mostly B and C actors?
It was that way on a lot of those old game shows. Anybody know what Kitty Carlisle, or Brett Sommers or Fanny Flagg did besides game shows?
Last year I watched the old What's My Line, I've Got a Secret, and To Tell the Truth. All in black and white. I googled almost every celebrity on those shows to see why they were famous. One celebrity, Johnny Carson, I knew, but he had not yet taken over the Tonight Show.
It was amazing to see the host smoking a cigarette.
gene
3 catholic men were talking in a bar.
The first man said "My son is a priest. People call him "Father".
The second said "Well, MY son is a bishop. People say "Your Grace".
The third boasted "MY son is a cardinal. People refer to him as "Your Imminence".
The waitress walking by heard all this and said "Well......my daughter has a 24" waist and triple D boobs. When your sons see her, they all say "Jesus".
Quote from: gene on February 22, 2017, 06:33:47 pm
It was amazing to see the host smoking a cigarette.
I was in a Dallas TV studio while Jerry Lewis was shooting a commercial to promote his upcoming telethon. The promo was only about 15 seconds long. Yet during that 15 seconds, he lit a cigarette and began smoking it while talking.
QuoteThe waitress walking by heard all this and said "Well......my daughter
I was concerned the punch line might have been "... my 13 year old son..." :o
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I was listening to a lecture the other day at work. The guy being interviewed was from Finland. He told his favorite Finnish joke. I would think this would fit most anywhere.
Two long time drinking buddies went into a bar as they had done for many, many years. After about 2 hours of drinking, one buddy said, "So, how are things going with you?" The other buddy said, "Hey! Did we come here to talk or to drink?"
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Smoking used to be advertised as being good for you.
My son-in-laws' uncle is fighting cancer. He was on an oxygen bottle for the last few years, needing a portable one if he want anywhere, but he kept smoking. He finally got to where his lungs could not take in enough oxygen to even get out of bed. The doctors showed him a picture of a healthy lung, a picture of a lung where the guy died from coal dust (black lung disease) and a picture of a lung from a smoker who was still alive. The picture of the smokers' lung did something to him that he quit smoking. It's been 6 months since he saw that picture and he still hasn't touched a cigarette.
gene
An old man bought a brand new red Corvette and went for a drive.
At first, he went slow. But he gradually gained speed. Pretty soon, he was going 80. A cop began to chase him. He sped up to 90. Then 100. Then 125.
Finally, the old man gave up and pulled over. When the cop saw that it was an old man, he took pity on him.
The cop said "I'll tell you what. If you can give me an excuse that I've NEVER heard before, I'll let you go".
The old man said "Well about 20 years ago, my wife ran off with a cop".
"So why were you going so fast?" asked the cop.
The old man replied "I thought you were trying to bring her back".
A travelling salesman drove past a farm one day and noticed a pig with one wooden leg. He didn't think much of it until a week later, driving by the same farm, the pig had two wooden legs. The third week, the pig had three wooden legs, and finally, after seeing the pig the fourth week with four wooden legs, he had to stop to inquire about it.
He tracked down the farmer and asked him about the strange sight. The farmer told him, "Well, that's the greatest pig alive. About a month ago, he saved my wife and kids and me from our burning house by waking us up in the middle of the night just in time to escape without any harm!"
The salesman continue to prod the farmer about the pig's wooden legs. "Well," the farmer replied, "this pig is just like one of the family. He's a really great pig. A couple of weeks ago, our youngest boy fell in the creek, and this truly wonderful pig fished him out just in time to save him from drowning! He's one really great pig!"
The salesman, starting to lose his patience, again inquired about the wooden legs, to which the farmer replied, "Last week, I fell off my horse and my foot got caught up in the stirrup. This great pig ran along side of the horse and me and untangled me and truly saved my life. What a great pig - the greatest pig in the world!!"
Losing his patience, the salesman finally shouted, "All right already, That's enough! He's a really great pig - a REALLY great pig! But what about his wooden legs?!"
To which the farmer replied, "Well now, a great pig like that - you don't eat him all at once!"
Don't sweat the petty stuff.
Don't pet the sweaty stuff.
Identifying petty and sweaty stuff? Can they be equal?
What is non petty and non sweaty?
Petty or sweaty can't they be equal?
Funny stuff? Is it petty and/or sweaty?
Circles?
Doyle
Doyle,
I enjoy listening to and reading physicists like Sean Carrol, Lawrence Krause, Stephen Hawking, etc. Hawking is 74 I think and he's still publishing peer reviewed papers. That's incredible.
Anyway, I have two thoughts about the possible source of your questions. 1. Alcohol. 2. You also enjoy reading about physics, particle physics, quantum physics, quantum field theory, the multiverse, etc.
One question for you: When you say "circles" are you talking about what a hawk does overhead or what a farmer sometimes finds in his corn field?
gene