Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain
and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate
ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed
to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First
Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which
the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate
boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among
the crew, the pirates were repelled.
The men sat around on deck that night recounting the
day's events when an ensign looked to the Captain and
asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before
the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that
only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded
in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, and
thus you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men
sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man.
The next morning, the lookout screamed that there were
two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew
cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed,
"Bring me my red shirt!" Once again, the battle was
on, and the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding
parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there
were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties
on their way. The men became silent and looked to the
Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown
pants!"
**********************
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She
claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry
and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was
into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the
balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the
rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his
fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was
broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I
found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the
balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this
point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and
died.? The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the
roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled
over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the
balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out
on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit
some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge
chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed
and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle
as he directs the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
in this cedar chest....."
**************
Hope you all have an awesome weekend. Be safe, be happy and enjoy.
Mojo
"All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted."
Damn! Sounds like heaven is just like Obama's health care program!
gene
PS: Thanks for the funnies.
The Police came to the front door of my house late last night, holding a picture of my wife.
They asked, "Is this your wife, Sir?".
Shocked, I answered "Yes".
They said, "I'm afraid it looks as if she's been hit by a bus".
I said: "I know. But she's got a kind heart, a lovely personality, and she's very good with the dog".